In my last ramblings, I promised to tell you about my doctors appointment that I had a month back or so. The thing is, I am not so sure how to really convey my feelings or what it is that I am even feeling. Perhaps that is why it has taken me so long to put it in words. You see, I temporarily have a different doctor while mine is away on a bit of leave. I wasn’t dreading the appointment, but I definitely wasn’t looking forward to it, other than the fact that I knew I would be able to hear my sweet boy’s heartbeat that day.
The appointment was rocky from the very start as she made a smart comment about me switching doctors. I tried to brush it off, but it certainly didn’t make me feel good. As our short time together continued she asked me about concerns and questions that I might have. We chatted about my blood pressure which is always a concern as that is the reason I had S so early last time. I felt like it was important for her to know my history and to know that, even though, I am well into this pregnancy, my losses have altered my feelings of ease. I said something along the lines that this was my 7th pregnancy, but I would try not to be too needy. I was received with nothing but a stony face and a comment that burned through my heart. “Well then, I assume that you are done after this.”
Seriously?
I am still waiting for the minute that I get to hold this little boy in my arms. I don’t know if I am done after this. What I do know, is that in that particular moment, I felt shocked to hear the words. Just after meeting me she felt the right to say something so filled with judgement and whether she realized it or not, unkindness. I walked out of the office that day not knowing if I could ever make myself walk back in. How would I be able to find trust in someone that did not see me clearly or really at all?
It has taken me weeks to decide to be the bigger and stronger person in this case. It certainly isn’t the first time that I have had to remind myself of my own inner strength and it surely won’t be the last. I could allow the unkindness to follow me through the remainder of the days that I am growing T4, but I won’t. I choose to see her as a medical professional that is entirely capable of looking into the health of T4 and I. In the last few weeks, I have been to the doctor six times…some appointments with this doctor and some with others, and each time I have felt that they are competent enough.
Not as if I needed a reminder, but this experience has made me even more grateful for my regular doctor. I cannot imagine having been through these seven pregnancies with anyone but her. Inner strength is important, but so is surrounding yourself with others that you trust and that support you.
