As the holiday season is upon us, I have been looking forward to so many things. Hanging our stockings, decorating the Christmas tree and experiencing the excitement of it all with S. Through all of the happiness and cheer, I have also been on the lookout for an elusive feather ornament.
You see, after our first miscarriage in 2012, we were in the midst of the holiday season with Christmas right around the corner. Thomn and I have always been ones to put up our tree early and leave it up well past the holidays to enjoy the lights and warmth it brings to the house. But that year, we were both having a difficult time thinking of celebrating as we were shrouded in darkness. When it came down to it we ended up putting up a tree, but needed a way to celebrate the tiny life that lived with us, even if for a short time. That is when I found a feather ornament and placed it in a prime location where I could sit for hours and look at it. It felt only right that we had something that would always remind us of that sweet baby. Little did I know that this would become somewhat of a ritual for us. Put up the Christmas tree and look for a new feather ornament. There are now 3 beautiful ornaments that hang from the tree each year along with a winged angel that sits below. That winged angel came from baby number 4 when we had a D & C and it was confirmed that the baby that I was carrying was a girl. 
These feathers have not been the easiest of ornaments to find. The first was the simplest and from there I have searched high and low looking for something that speaks to me for each babe. Last year, I saw the most beautiful feather and thought to myself how happy I was that I was not in need of it. Instead, baby S, sat happily below the tree last year looking at the lights. And here I am, with a twinkling tree, and an empty spot for that elusive feather for baby number 6 that we lost in March. As many places that I have looked, I have yet to find a feather. It is out there waiting for me…and each time I go to the store I am reminded of the baby that I carried, but did not mother. Perhaps it has taken me this long to find the ornament as I have been wrapped up in the growth of T4 and the love of S and need to take a moment to remember all that we have had this year.
