I’ve posted a lot of pictures of my newly growing family on social media lately, but I want you to know that I still see you.  I see the frustration and anger that flows through your fingers as you scroll through looking at pictures and updates from friends, family…and maybe even acquaintances.  I see the sadness in the depths of your eyes when you put up a new profile picture that doesn’t have a baby announcement or a newborn in the picture.  I see the look that you exchange with your partner when you tell them that another friend just announced on Facebook that they are celebrating blue or pink in their future.

I haven’t forgotten what it felt like to be wishing for the plump round belly full of life.  I haven’t forgotten how the sadness could creep up so unexpectedly and what felt like out of nowhere.  I haven’t forgotten the guilt that I felt when my heart was angry when it was them and not me.

I’m sorry if the pictures that I have posted have added anger and sadness to your life in any way.  The love that I have for my little family is bursting at the seams and I want to share it with the world, but please know that none of it was meant to hurt you.

I hope through the despair that you are feeling that you haven’t lost hope.  And not in the fake, hey I am going to cheer you up with a pep talk kind of hope, but real honest to goodness hope.  The kind that you have to dig down deep to find.  Past the negative feelings, and the ache of loss in your body, and past the barren womb that darkens your soul just a little.  I was you.  I remember each one of these feelings with such clarity that I have to remind myself that I have two little ones at home and that it isn’t just a dream that I am going wake up from at any moment.  Find the hope.  And if you get to the point where there is no hope left for you to find, know that I am here.  There are hundreds of thousands of other people that have felt what you are feeling and maybe one of them will have just the ear that you need to be able to share what you are going through.

I see you.  I feel you.  I was you.

One of my profile pictures from years back. Just one week after I lost Baby #3. I remember feeling so cold…I couldn’t make my body warm up, so instead I smiled and pretended it was okay.